Developing Yourself.

Hi there. I won’t be talking today about random sh*t for a change.



I was going to start this post with tips on how to ‘find’ yourself. Before I wrote this line, I realized that you never really ‘find’ yourself – you develop yourself. Even when you think you’ve lost a part of your personality for whatsoever reason, like maybe you’re not as fun and crazy as you were x years ago, you don’t really need to look around and try to be the same person. Actually, scratch that. No one ever loses a part of themselves, they just shed it off like snakes (bad reference, but you get my point). When you finally come out, you’re fresh and shiny, and that skin gets older with more experience and wisdom till it’s ready to shed again.  People change for a reason – it’s called development – and it should be embraced. If you don’t like it, you always have the power to change it, but it’s actually good if you don’t go back to being exactly what you used to be because if you do, it would mean that you really haven’t grown. And from what I have learnt, people grow most during tough times. So when you’re dealing with something like ‘who am I?’, I call it developing yourself. So dear reader, if you’re confused and feel ‘lost’, stop trying to find yourself, and develop yourself. It won’t happen overnight, but I promise you it will when you’re ready, and you’ll know you’re ready not by telling yourself that you are, but by feeling all those questions burn through you, confusing you, enraging you and eventually embracing and accepting all those feelings. There is no other way to it, no shortcuts, and no rushing through it.

Now since that is clear, let’s move on to the next stage.

I’m a firm believer of the saying ‘tough times define tough people’ (not sure if it’s actually a quote, but it’s good as long as you get it). I remember when I was in my teens, I was talking on the phone to someone in his early 20’s at that time, and he told me that he’s trying to know himself and discover who he is. I didn’t know the intensity of his struggle because I couldn’t understand it at that time. So when he asked me in return, “do you know who you are?” I responded like any other teen going through their own whirlwind of struggles and complaining that life is too hard – “Of course, I do”

I smile to myself when I think of it now.

When the dust finally settled, I had just graduated out of high school and I thought to myself – “Now I know what he meant” when really it was just the tip of the iceberg. That time onward, I again, like an ignorant piece of sh*t, thought I knew everything there was to know about myself, till I faced another problem. I had shaped my choices, behavior personality, everything on the basis of an idea of what I wanted everyone else to perceive me as. I still see many people doing that. There is nothing wrong in picking up pieces of other people’s personality and traits except it makes you Frankenstein if overdone. You must be what you feel like being, and not what you think you should be like.

Anyway, so this 2nd person made me feel like I wasn’t good enough, so I started adapting to his idea of a perfect person. I won’t blame him entirely for what happened because I was partly at fault. I believed that I wasn’t good enough and started changing myself to fit in his box of a perfect person. That was a test, and I don’t think I failed. Not going down to the bottom of that pit wasn’t success, but coming out was. It seems like an easy decision, but it isn’t when you’re in that situation. I felt lost for almost a year, hoping to get out of the pit, thinking that I was ready. But like I said, you have to feel and go through all of the suffering, confusion, pain, and the whole party that comes with it in order to finally be ready to emerge. Your endurance and patience will be tested and that is when you must not give up. It’s okay to be scared, people who say that they’re not afraid of hardships are lying. You will feel hopeless and helpless with no idea where to go. You might try to ask for help from loved ones, but they might not understand. Even if they do, there is only so much they can do to help you. In the end, it’s your battle and only you can fight it. But when you do, you keep doing it without seeing light in the cave (I won’t say tunnel, because you have no sense of direction in these kind of situations). Keep faith, and keep trying to move and struggle even if you think that it’s not working, because there is always an end, and I promise you, you will emerge stronger and more confident than ever before. You will get over the aftermath and see everything clearer as each day, month and year passes by – I promise.

Today I know that I don’t know everything, not even about myself. But I keep getting better at it every day. I may not be proud of all the decisions I made during those times, but I’m proud that I’ve learnt from them, and I’m still learning when I think about the past from a different perspective. Thinking about the past doesn’t mean that you obsess over it, but you learn to detach yourself from the equation and be open to learning from it as much as you can. One should let go of the past, but not forget it, because it is one of the things that make us who we are. The rest of the things that truly define us are our choices. Seeing situations objectively is one of those choices and a talent that one perfects over time.

I hope this will help me in some way tomorrow when I’m going through another rough patch and someone else who is going through it right now. And if you feel you’re alone and you wish to be happy like everyone else seems to be, just remember – you’re far ahead of the people oblivious to this struggle.


“Be scared of the hard times, but don’t run from them. And if you’re not scared, it’s just not hard enough”  

– That was me


Note: I have started to think more for myself, otherwise I wouldn’t have written about my own personal experiences here simply because I’m a bit private that way. I am writing all this because writing makes me feel lighter sometimes and I want to keep this as something I do for myself and not for the blog. Now whether you get to read this post or not will be based on another decision – whether to put this piece out there for everyone else to read and hopefully help someone in the process, or to keep it safely to myself, like I have till now.


For the sake of comebacks

Testing one…two…three…

Yeah the keyboard still works. I can’t see the words clearly though.

Oh, it’s not the display. I just need to wipe the screen. *nervous smile*

Whoa! That went from 0 to ‘please wear sunglasses to avoid permanent retinal damage’ pretty fast.


Other than making it obvious that I should probably buy a new laptop AND improve my cleaning habits, I guess this is another attempt to get back to writing.

It’s been a while since I’ve even tried writing, mostly because I don’t know what to write about (which is sad, I know), but I’m trying to push myself to start again so maybe I can churn out better content in the future. Sorry guys, just bear with me this time.




Great. I guess I’m gonna start from scratch again, since most of the readers have even stopped looking in this sad corner of the internet.

Just an update: It’s been 3 months since I graduated and moved to Oman for a project, and other than bad internet, it’s been a pretty great and crazy ride.

Now I’m not gonna rant about work here, because my co-workers might be reading this.



*tears of joy rolling down my face*


But jokes aside, it is very challenging and engaging to say the least because everything is so new. The first two months hit me like a bus though – but I’m glad I came out of my comfort zone to gain more exposure, trying to grasp as much as I can in whatever time I can get, meet new and interesting people from different backgrounds and learn from them, and try to give something back in return….


*Awkward silence*

*Crickets chirping*

Like I said, I don’t have much to say at the moment so this is it for now.

Next time will be better inshallah.

Cheers till then!


Come back, plizz?


Kids today….never mind.

Okay, I’ve been MIA for a long while now. (For the non baby boomers out there, MIA means ‘Missing In Action’)

It’s technically a slang. To be honest, I got to know the meaning of MIA just a month back.  ._.

P.S. That’s the poker face emoticon. Just saying.


Sometimes, I miss the days of dial-up connection  –  the time when nobody could use the landline phone because someone was using the internet on the desktop, mostly chatting on MSN messenger. The 90’s kids will probably understand. Watch this video if you wish to hear that sound of ear-splitting nostalgia again: The sound of dial-up internet


Those were the days when games like Dave, Doom, Biomenace, Prince, Corridor7,  Aladdin and Lion King were on our shared desktop (the concept of personal computer was for the elite). Or even better – games like battlecity, Contra and Mario were the most played cassettes (which had to be blown to remove the dust every-goddamn-time) on that old school video game consoles. We had one by Atari.


Or even the days when online lyrics didn’t exist and my sister used to replay every song to listen and note down the lyrics in her black diary. That also reminds me of the time when a pencil and a cassette had a relationship more romantic than Jack and Rose.


God bless them

And how can I forget the Sony walkman!

That was the time when J.Lo dancing in golden panties singing ‘My love don’t cost a thing’ was a big deal. Of course, J.Lo is still kinda a big deal. It was that golden chaddi (read: underwear) that caught the parents’ attention who scolded me and my elder sister for watching crap on the T.V.

I’d like to see the then parents’ faces now. I still like listening to those songs once in a while though. Nothing can beat the 90’s music. Please excuse me while I go through the J.Lo playlist again. *putting down the laptop monitor*

Point taken?


It’s the era when 14 year olds look like 25, the 45 year olds look like botched up 30 year olds (thank you botox), and the 25 year olds look like burnt toast with felt pen eyebrows. This is why I’ll always be scared of becoming a parent. God knows if kids tomorrow will come twerking out of the mother. Geez. *rubbing my arms to soothe the goosebumps*


And last but really not the least, to those kids who think they ‘relate’ with the 90’s.



I guess that much of nostalgia concentrate will do for today.

God save this generation.



  P.S. All images have been sourced from websites via google. I do not hold ownership to any images in this post.



Tips and tricks: How to avoid binge shopping

How many times have you walked in a store to buy a pair of jeans (or whatever you need), and found yourself almost drooling at a THE cutest pair of shoes you’ve ever seen in a long time (seems like forever)? Then you’re thinking “Oh my god, I need those shoes, I don’t know when I will wear them, but they are just so cute and on SALE!! Should I get them? I’m getting them.” and then you go home, all happy and content, and even try them on and wear them around for the next few hours, adoring them (like I do 😛 ) But then they’re just kept for ‘storage till the right time’ in that shoe closet, when it gathers dust, cracks, fungus (whatever makes you tick). And when the ‘right time’ comes along, you realize that either it doesn’t go with that particular attire, it doesn’t fit you anymore, it’s out of fashion, or it just lost it’s ‘spark’.

I used to find myself in similar situations when I was in my early teens, and I had already started breaking away from what my mom picked for me. After buying and getting scolded for many things that I didn’t use at all, I realized that I have a responsibility of buying things, whether they are gadgets, jewellery or even stationary items responsibly (staedtler pencils are expensive).


So, I worked out a way to stop doing that over and over again: having a rapid fire round in my head and throwing questions like:

1. Is this my style? Will I actually wear this? Just because that pink kitten tee is cute doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily wear it.
2. Do I need this? If you already have a watch, or a similar pair of shoes, you probably don’t. Additionally, that doesn’t mean that you buy that GPS enabled watch to avoid ‘getting lost’ in college.

3. Did I keep my wallet in my bag? This one is a no-brainer.
4. If I buy this, will I have to starve myself for a week to patch up the hole in my pocket? We all can’t be on the Forbes list now, kid.

5. Is it even worth that much? Note: most sellers label their products with prices ending in 9’s, like 799. Make sure you see that as it is rather than jumping with joy and throwing it over the cash counter as soon as you read the first digit.

6. Is it versatile? If it is a classic, or goes with most of the other things you ALREADY own, then it is probably a good buy.
7. Is the material sturdy/real? Don’t get ripped off, guys. Literally.
8. Can you find something similar somewhere else or even online for a lower price? There are two sides to this: good part – you can get a better bargain; bad part – it probably isn’t unique (if you’re particular about that thing)
9. In case you’re shopping online, be sure of the size and fit. Returning stuff can be disheartening. The model wearing that ‘god-like’ stuff is probably taller, thinner, and photoshopped. Stuff like crop tops look better on mannequins than on pot bellies. Be real.

10. Divide your finances and stick to your limit of expenditure on shopping unless you want to go back to #4.

11. Is that style a ‘new trend’? If it’s in right now, it probably won’t stay on the same pedestal next season. Be sure to be ready to deal with it.
12. Do I have similar products? Buying another white shirt is just stupid, unless you have a rather rigid dress code at work.
13. Do I have space to keep it?
Will my closet really explode if I try ‘squeezing’ it? Do I have space for another hanger?
14. Will I regret not buying this if I walk out and end up thinking about it the entire day?
If yes, congratulations! You have found yourself a winner!

These questions help me refine my cart… maybe a bit too much (I ended up becoming too choosy. People who come with me end up shopping for themselves).

But hey, at least I get what I really want/need!

Till next time.

What’s cooking folks?

Well, summer vacations are here again and I’m back while my friends go for internships and vacations How exciting. -_-

Okay, I’ll be honest. I’m here because I have a lot of spare time on my hands, at least till college reopens.

So, what’s up folks? I’m trying to pile on as much work as I can on my head so that I don’ t get that ‘ free time’ where I’ll start wondering what am I doing with my life. I truly dread that time because I really don’t have a clue as to what am I really doing with my life. (C’mon, I’m just 21. I think I can be excused for that, at least for now)

So here I am, listening to a senti bollywood track while sipping on my green tea, probably because it tastes disgusting and the wailing kinda distracts me -_- Kudos to getting healthy while listening to a man crying over his runaway bae. Good lord, I don’t believe I just used that word on my blog. For all those old school-ers,

There you go!

So, apart from the regular stuff (read – Kheti baadi. Refer to this if you’re confused) that I need to do, there are other things I’ve been wanting to add to my list of things to do. I make such lists because they’re more organised mainly because I tend to forget things. These lists help me keep my shit together.

Ba-da-tmm-tsssss!!There you go!


Me and my mum went to a vet yesterday to adopt a dog. (*flashback* – we went to her 7 years back when our dog was about to die. And we liked the vet.) So now, we’re waiting the pups/dogs to be put up for adoption.

Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to use the space in my ghastly bedroom (A friend even called it haunted because it’s so empty, majorly because I’ve never bothered to decorate/fill it up properly since I don’t really live here) with things other than useless furniture. I think I might just go ahead with a photo gallery and maybe artificial plants. (?)

 And all that starts with clearing my bed of all the clothes I recently bought (I got a new swim suit, yay!) and the things I unpacked that need to be kept in their ‘proper’ places as nagged into ‘suggested’ by my mom (she probably watches this space).

Ooooh, and I need to buy a new pair of wedges! (the ‘how many do you need to buy?!?!’ exclamation of disbelief doesn’t apply here. I just have 2 pairs – one for winters, and the other for the rest of the year. Don’t judge me.)


Now let’s not get into the details of how excruciatingly beautiful they can be. I can’t wear normal heels, or pumps, or stilettos, or whatever other versions they have (I honestly don’t know the difference. If they make you look taller and thinner, they’re called heels.) So I stick to wedges. They give me the false security of better safety against toppling over as opposed to the other heels. And did I mention that they also make me look taller? #doublewin 🙂

                                Wait, whaaaaat?

Sorry, couldn’t resist posting this one. 😀 Sorry for the foul language. 

Image sources: Compiled via Google images. I do not own any of these images.

Give me a break, please?

It’s officially a pattern now: I disappear for months and come back with an apology, but this time, I’m not even going to bother. So let’s roll. But if you’re still wondering why I’m back after all this while, I’ll be honest: my exams are here, and I should be working. But I’m too tired now sitting in front of autoCAD the entire day, so here I am.
Looking back, it’s been a long while since I started writing. A third year (hopefully graduating to fourth year) architecture student, started in the campus hostel, to living in a PG. Wow. I actually doubted if I could make it till here. Sometimes, I get emotional dilemmas when I think and I recall my family warning me that architecture is a tough course, probably harder than most branches of engineering (with all due respect to my family, overflowing with engineers) and knowing the kind of lazy-ass procrastinator I am, they advised me to tread very carefully and take a decision, and God, were they right.

Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. I may get sore legs, stiff back, and spend sleepless nights on a regular basis. I may even joke around, pretending to regret taking up architecture, when in reality, there probably is no other better place to be (sometimes I mean it though, the hard work required is the culprit). I may not excel in my projects, but that’s mostly my procrastination talking. I don’t think I would’ve lasted an year if I had taken up engineering, or those ‘pure sciences’ kind of subjects (kindly excuse my choice of words. Yes, I know I’m an ignorant kid, thank you.) I realized that it isn’t enough for me: it wasn’t back in 11th grade, and it still isn’t.

It’s tough, no doubt. But then, which course isn’t? Of course there are many courses that offer a degree after 4 years, but who gives a shit? Lonely sadists do 5 year architecture courses that don’t even promise you to be a well paid architect at the end of it all.

True that.

Then there are moments of frustration: my helplessness when I see my parents touring the world without me because I’m not able to take out that time without screwing with my semester, my lack of things to talk about with people not in my field, and lack of hygiene (I’m just referring to my eye-burning messy room. I still bathe) amongst many other things. Then my parents’ demands of being a straight A student. C’mon, cut me some slack please? It’s not school anymore. Not saying that I was a ‘topper’ in school, but let’s not go there now.

Just explains it

And how can I forget the people who complain or boasting about pulling off an all nighter?

See my point?

And then comes unrealistic expectations of being an architect: Ted Mosby from HIMYM. Seriously, hasn’t anyone seen his lifestyle? architects don’t get to hang out with their non-architect friends every damn evening at a local bar, which is amongst many other things that he does that just seem too good to be true. And apparently, it has a term coined for it too: The Ted Mosby Illusion. I even read about it (Click on the link for enlightenment).

Anyways, I’d better get back to work now. Got a pile of design work to be resolved.


Image sources:

Ego and fear – having it and letting go

What is ego?

It’s that little voice in your head that makes you think and feel that everything is about you, whether good or bad. It’s what that keeps us away from the present moment. Ego can be good, when it hits you on that spot which ultimately gives you the adrenaline rush that drives you to do something you never thought you would do willingly. But it can also inspire self judgement and fear.


Let’s think about it.

When we get anxious or worried, most of our thoughts take the shape of ‘what if…’ statements. That is when we tend to project into the future, which doesn’t exist anywhere, but in our head.

So what if you don’t get that high paying job? or that passing grade?

You’ll still live, like every other day in your life, dealing with it. And if it matters so much, I do what my dad told me once – ask yourself if you can do something about it. If you can’t, then there’s no point of worrying. And if you can do something about it, then get busy on it already!

Ego doesn’t limit us to projecting in the future, it makes us revisit the past as well. It’s called obsessing over the past. What has happened can’t be changed. It can just not be repeated (hopefully, if you have learnt from it.)

But sometimes, even though we know it’s our ego acting out, we get so stuck projecting back and forth, that we tend to lose track of the current moment, which is actually in our hands. That is what ego thrives on.

It is easy to tell others what to do. It’s hard to practice what we preach. I have my fair share of anxieties and worries, if not more. Ask the handpicked friends I talk to who have the  patience and courage to survive my rants. But being consciously aware about it definitely helps, at least to identify and look at the situation from a different perspective. So when in doubt, go for these nuske:

  • Stop taking things personally.

Being offended is exactly where the ego comes to play. Sometimes it isn’t about you. Sometimes, the person who said it didn’t even mean it that way, but it’s the ego that is comprehending it as a shot on us. Be a bit easy on yourself. You’re still human for God’s sake, so act like one! Let go of that need to win and to be right. It’s okay to be wrong as long as you realize your mistake. Your reputation is only in your head, because believe it or not, half the people don’t even give a shit about it. And even if they do, it is their opinion that they’re entitled to, and really, what others think of you is none of your business.

  • Give it a chance. 

I know it’s almost as hard as stepping on fire, but it’s just the fear in our head that’s making it look like that.

But just take that chance, take that first step. You’ll be glad you did because fear keeps us in nowhere till we do or try something and that is when we get to see where we are and where we can go from there. Remind yourself that these are just unreal projections in your head.

  • Stop complaining.

Complaining doesn’t really help us in any way. It just keeps generating negativity and tons of self pity which may stroke the ego for a bit, but is self destructive anyway. The ego always wants to improve on the current moment, but that is exactly where we need to recognize it and let it go rather than complaining about it.

  • Be grateful.

When all else fails, try being grateful. Be grateful for anything, like for the coffee your mum made for you in the morning, or grateful for the old car that is still running, or even for being alive (that’s my kicker). No matter how small or big the reason is, be really grateful about it. It helps to kick out that negative imagery in the head.

The whole procedure of letting go of fear and ego is like a detox. Your head will do anything to fight it, and even introduce new thoughts in your mind like these steps won’t work, your efforts aren’t paying off etc. But be patient, because that is the  ego talking. Sure, it will be hard implementing these steps at first, like an addict’s body telling that he can’t live without the substance but getting past it will open up new possibilities, and probably, a more optimistic and happier you.

Just try not to be so hard on yourself. even if you’re not able to implement those tips in the first few attempts, it’s okay – not the end of the world (I’d applaud if you succeeded though). Don’t try too hard or pressurize yourself – that would be ego on the roll again. Instead of fighting so hard, the key is to take it easy and letting it go rather than fighting it. Because sadly, it is the paradox of life – the more your fight something, the more it reinforces itself, especially ego. It’s like a football player letting his body go when he gets hit by another player, because he knows that opposing and resisting movement will only inflict more damage.

Anyway, enough of the ego talk. It’s late, I got college tomorrow and I’m sleepy. Really, I should be getting paid for this shit.

The youth and time obsession

Okay, so I haven’t been writing much (any, actually) since I don’t have much to write about. So I guess I’ll be writing some short post on some of my fleeting thoughts. Congrats to the readers who don’t prefer long posts.

I just saw an advertisement on TV (wow, a TV to myself!), and no, it wasn’t a fairness or some ‘halt your ageing process’ ad, but an ‘anti – ageing’ ad for exterior walls. Wait, whaaaa???

Why are we obsessed with looking young all the time? Why can’t we accept that we are getting older and hopefully, wiser with time?

They say ‘old is gold’ for a reason, don’t they? I think adulthood and maturity is associated with wisdom, experience and stuff like that which takes time (which is more valuable than money, but that’s another train of thought. Read on to get to it.)

Take Meryl Streep or even Madhuri Dixit or Sridevi for that case. They all aged gracefully and still look beautiful with all those wrinkles and the other ‘6 signs of ageing’.

Time ain’t money anymore, it is actually way more valuable than money, and people finally seem to understand that. I’m not saying that it’s a good thing or a bad thing, that’s just the way it is. My grandfather used to walk down kilometers to save his 10 bucks which used to take him about an hour. But we, we’d rather pay a 100 to get from point A to point B even if the weather is awesome for walking  simply because we don’t have the time. Nobody does. It’s an ‘Oh, yes, abhi’ empire we’re living in.

Okay, I just ran out of thing to say. Anyways, like they say, That’s all folks! 


The quarter bed life

they say that the ones with a cluttered desk are very creative individuals.

I tend to disagree, well, quite a bit. And no, this is not me being modest (trust me, I’m not really known for that. Ask my buddy, Chiru. He’ll give you a piece of his mind.)

A quick look on my desk: Random sheets rolled up, empty plastic containers, my earring holder (one of my best buys from a garage sale), and some more random, crumpled sheets.


And what’s with the quarter bed? Well, that’s my way of saying that I’m so used to crampy and cluttered environments that even if you give me a double bed (oh, home sweet home ;’) ), I’ll cover 3/4th of it with my junk, ranging from my sheets to the clothes I was wearing the previous day, and sleep on the quarter space left, 1/5th of which is taken by my laptop that I tend to sleep with. A lot. So that quarter space (or whatever that is left of it) is where I sleep, eat, and do whatever I do in the other half of the day (or whatever that is left after college)

Imagine my single bed in the hostel.


Heck even my cupboards have models, thermocol sheets and other random stuff thrown on them. And not to forget the clichéd ‘I have nothing to wear’ despite having an almirah with so many clothes that the piles tend to come down and it’s like a landslide, or maybe an avalanche.  

And shoes? Let’s not go there. I don’t think my drawer for shoes under the almirah is being used the way it is supposed to be.

Let’s hope my mum doesn’t visit my room ever again, because whenever she does…..



And whenever I nudge her to get me a bike….



Hayee, main aur mere tute sapne….




Anyways, there’s another time for my sob stories and rants. Those are some things I just fail to get short of. Chal koi na…



So that’s me, signing off again. Adios!



The Evaluation

There often come moments when everything is at a standstill and you know something is wrong. You can’t exactly put a finger on it but you know that only you can fix it and no amount of Googling will help you. Knowing that ‘everything is in the mind’ is different from believing it. 

Looking back, I realize that I’ve changed a lot, and multiple times. From a social butterfly, to an outcast, to a rebel, a hopeless person and to someone who just doesn’t give a shit anymore, but now, I guess I do. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t like myself anymore. I just don’t accept who I am right now and I don’t want to. Why should I if it doesn’t make me happy? When I feel restricted, and pulled back all the time? when I find myself ‘trying’ to enjoy and I can’t let go? 

I’ve found myself getting irritated at little things, being moody, irresponsible and insanely stupid in a bad way. Sighhhh, I haven’t let go in such a long time. 

I know I can’t really get back to the old me. The person I am right now is an amalgamation of the persons I’ve been, made into and wanted to be. I can’t change the past, but I can pick from it to make the present better. So I guess maybe instead of learning to be happy, or learn to love myself, I need to change myself on my terms, for myself, so that being and loving myself isn’t such a task, and it shouldn’t be.

Writing about all this seems to be the first step towards that. Yes it’s a short post after a long ass time, but the point is: I’m back!