There often come moments when everything is at a standstill and you know something is wrong. You can’t exactly put a finger on it but you know that only you can fix it and no amount of Googling will help you. Knowing that ‘everything is in the mind’ is different from believing it.
Looking back, I realize that I’ve changed a lot, and multiple times. From a social butterfly, to an outcast, to a rebel, a hopeless person and to someone who just doesn’t give a shit anymore, but now, I guess I do. And I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t like myself anymore. I just don’t accept who I am right now and I don’t want to. Why should I if it doesn’t make me happy? When I feel restricted, and pulled back all the time? when I find myself ‘trying’ to enjoy and I can’t let go?
I’ve found myself getting irritated at little things, being moody, irresponsible and insanely stupid in a bad way. Sighhhh, I haven’t let go in such a long time.
I know I can’t really get back to the old me. The person I am right now is an amalgamation of the persons I’ve been, made into and wanted to be. I can’t change the past, but I can pick from it to make the present better. So I guess maybe instead of learning to be happy, or learn to love myself, I need to change myself on my terms, for myself, so that being and loving myself isn’t such a task, and it shouldn’t be.
Writing about all this seems to be the first step towards that. Yes it’s a short post after a long ass time, but the point is: I’m back!